Agreeable

Time is still akimbo for me right now, and the days since Dad died are sort of blurring together for me. People keep having to remind me of what day it is.

I mention that because I was remembering a moment during the funeral service where the pastor recalled a word I used to describe my dad’s demeanor to him. That word was agreeable.

There’s a lot more to my dad than just this, but I really do think he was among the most agreeable folks I’ve ever known. Agreeability is one of the so-called Big Five personality traits, recognized widely by psychologists as a legitimate way to describe the way we behave.

Wikipedia does a great job with this explanation:

Agreeableness is the general concern for social harmony. Agreeable individuals value getting along with others. They are generally considerate, kind, generous, trusting and trustworthy, helpful, and willing to compromise their interests with others. Agreeable people also have an optimistic view of human nature. Being agreeable helps us cope with stress.

Yep, that’s my dad. He was very good at making people feel as though he was on their side, right from the earliest moments of interaction with him, and lasting right through to the end—literally. There’s much more to him, but this was surely a defining characteristic.

I’m a bit different. I wanted to dive into that a little bit today.

While I share my dad’s eagerness to please in some ways, there’s something else in there, too. It’s the realization that I can be an agent for change in my life, if I’m willing to push the boundaries of etiquette and social norms.

I often don’t leave a great impression when you meet me. I’m likely to push back against something you say that bothers me, or bring something up I know is going to bother you—especially if I’m trying to get to know you.

It’s not that I enjoy confrontation or provoking people just for fun. In fact, I almost always hate it, though ball-busting (among friends) is a notable exception.

The reason is that I think the oudtcome can be better than if I’m merely agreeable. That’s really all there is to it. I love social cohesion in any group I’m involved with, but if I see that something can be better for a whole group of folks, I’m going to push back against that group.

The same is true on an individual basis. If a friend or loved one says we have to do something, I’m going to truly consider whether that’s true. If it’s not true, I’m going to say so.

I think most people sleepwalk through life without realizing how much impact they can have on themselves and the people around them. Now, I’m not suggesting my dad didn’t also have this in him! He often stood up for what he felt was right at great personal cost.

I’m just saying I have more of the agitative spirit than he had, and a lot more tendency to test boundaries.

I think Dad had a higher dose of agreeability, and I had a higher confidence that I could truly alter my situation than he had. I’ll have a lot more to say about this last bit eventually.