This is maybe my favourite thing I've read of yours because it's personal and unique to you.
I'm more or less hard wired to do the opposite of what someone tells me I "have" to do. This is both good and inconvenient, but I don't think I could change it if I tried.
Thanks, Faith! I appreciate the encouragement whenever I share personal stuff. It hasn't always been easy, but it has gotten a lot easier as I've come to view it as a positive thing, not like a parade of my ego or accomplishments. It took me some time to get used to that idea, and now introspective thinking is incredibly important.
I added a "personal" tag a while back for stuff like this; you're certainly welcome to dive into any (or none) of these that might interest you:
I think I get that. I too struggle to share personal things -- memoir/confessional writing is not something I'm super comfortable with, which is why I don't do it very often. I'm always too leery of straying into TMI and navel gazing (neither of which you did in this piece). Plus I'm just less interested (and interesting) than the Fabs... so I'd rather write about them - or rather I suppose myself through them, which is really what happens when we share our passions, I think.
Your story is a familiar one, since I had much the same experience. My voice squeaked all through high school, so I barely spoke. This was cured when I started working on the docks at Pillsbury where the workers were tough on each other. I leaned to speak up, and I have never looked back. My confidence soared! I got laid off, so I finally went to (community) college. Straight A's, 40. The college employed me after I graduated. After being a programmer with no formal experience, I Soon after I went back for a Bachelor's and Master's (Computer Science). From there smooth sailing as an academic. I fell ass-backwards into a computational geneticist role, learning by osmosis! :-)
Oh, and I was driving home on my commute when I heard Nirvana on the Vanderbilt University radio station. I immediately had to have it. I followed the grunge scene for a while. It took me a while but then I got into early Metallica. I agree much better. But those 9-minute songs!!!
Oh man! Metallica's first four albums have been in HEAVY rotation for me ever since like 1991. I think it took the Black Album coming out before I fully realized how great those records really were. And yes, 8 minute songs! But also: 8 million miles per hour.
For me, it was getting in HUGE trouble for going to a party with people who were black (and also my schoolmates and friends). HUGE trouble as in the guidance counselor at my high school tried to get me thrown out of Governors School for attending it. Response (to your point): "Hold my beer."
Nice! It's helpful for folks who are a bit younger to realize that we are not at all removed from our past. Slavery ended in 1865, but Jim Crow persisted through the mid 70s in a very big way.
South Carolina dragged its feet in integrating public schools. In 1970, the federal government had finally had enough and ordered all high schools to be integrated. My dad was one of 3 white teachers who volunteered to be at a majority-black school, and he's got some really good stories from that time that I will eventually need to share here.
I'm super proud of my dad's anti-racist past, especially considering where he came from.
I don't have a specific "Nevermind" moment that stands out, but I can absolutely relate to much of your story. I've always been both the class clown and the "challenge authority" type of student, while also being a high achiever (I only ever got A's and B's through almost my entire school/high-school/university life). So while I did well in school, my teachers (especially back in Ukraine) would often send me outside of the classroom to stand and think about my behavior, etc.
Good times. Thankfully, I have matured into a well-behaved, responsible adult who'd never stoop to making silly jokes and using swearwords like a fucking chump.
This moment stands out for me for sure, but I also think it was a bunch of little moments like this one (w/the administrator, I mean - not hearing the video for the first time, which was also really something for me).
Pretty much any time I got into trouble for something I didn't do, I got a bit more rebellious. I guess it takes something personal happening, even if it's relatively trivial like this.
Pretty ballsy doing *anything* to standout in high school. Also I get why someone got their knickers in a twist about your t-shirt - that baby’s got a huge hog
I was in the big history museum in NYC with fam once and young son and i got bored while older daughter and JFran decided to leisurely tour the Egyptian wing. So we went through the entire museum taking penis selfies with the statues sending them every single one. There are a lot of statue penises (peni?) in that museum
Fantastic anecdote! How did this go over? Feel free to share a link if you've written down memory lane. That's more or less what I'm trying to do before it all fades away.
The “authority figure” who started me on my way to being a rebel was the coach in my small school (70 students grade 1-12). I liked to run and was somewhat of a track star, however the joy of running was more important to me than winning, so In practice I would lolly gag along and just enjoy time running and talking with friends. One day during cross country training a friend of mine told me that he thought I should step it up and see just how fast I was. The next day I took his advice and gave it my all. Upon reaching the school after breaking the school record for the run, the coach told me “THERE IS NO WAY YOU RAN IT THAT FAST, WHO GAVE YOU A RIDE? YOU HAD TO OF CHEATED.”This was yelled in front of a bunch of kids who were standing around outside of the school, talking and doing kids stuff.
So I quit the track team, and the basketball team. Which in a town of 200 people where the only sober entertainment is the high school sports teams, losing a 6’3” player is a bit of a blow.
About that same time I was in a larger town and walked into a record store which back in the early 1970s and in the minds of a small ranching community was akin to going to a combination opium den, whore house, and saw the cover of the Big Brother And The Holding Company album “Cheap Thrills.”
Thus began my fascination with growing long hair, (which would get you suspended from school if it touched your ears,) underground comics, music which was not George Jones or Johnny. Cash, (both of whom I actually enjoy) and playing with illegal substances.
At the time pot was $10.00 an ounce, mushrooms not much more, and I had one heck of a good time without being on a team, but running through the mountains and deserts where I lived.
Don, that's a great share. Thanks for being here! I think I had a similar moment of disillusionment with authority figures much earlier too, in elementary school. This might be interesting for you as well:
Being their last album with Janis Joplin it is definitely worth a listen. It was more the cover art by R. Crumb, that opened my eyes to the idea that I did not have to fit into the little box which society had placed me.
This is maybe my favourite thing I've read of yours because it's personal and unique to you.
I'm more or less hard wired to do the opposite of what someone tells me I "have" to do. This is both good and inconvenient, but I don't think I could change it if I tried.
Thanks, Faith! I appreciate the encouragement whenever I share personal stuff. It hasn't always been easy, but it has gotten a lot easier as I've come to view it as a positive thing, not like a parade of my ego or accomplishments. It took me some time to get used to that idea, and now introspective thinking is incredibly important.
I added a "personal" tag a while back for stuff like this; you're certainly welcome to dive into any (or none) of these that might interest you:
https://goatfury.substack.com/t/personal
We are very similar in pushing back against things we're told to do.
I think I get that. I too struggle to share personal things -- memoir/confessional writing is not something I'm super comfortable with, which is why I don't do it very often. I'm always too leery of straying into TMI and navel gazing (neither of which you did in this piece). Plus I'm just less interested (and interesting) than the Fabs... so I'd rather write about them - or rather I suppose myself through them, which is really what happens when we share our passions, I think.
"suppose myself through them" is a great way to put it!
Your story is a familiar one, since I had much the same experience. My voice squeaked all through high school, so I barely spoke. This was cured when I started working on the docks at Pillsbury where the workers were tough on each other. I leaned to speak up, and I have never looked back. My confidence soared! I got laid off, so I finally went to (community) college. Straight A's, 40. The college employed me after I graduated. After being a programmer with no formal experience, I Soon after I went back for a Bachelor's and Master's (Computer Science). From there smooth sailing as an academic. I fell ass-backwards into a computational geneticist role, learning by osmosis! :-)
Had to comment again because this is just incredible! Congrats, and I feel very similar to you: my best years are still ahead of me.
Oh, and I was driving home on my commute when I heard Nirvana on the Vanderbilt University radio station. I immediately had to have it. I followed the grunge scene for a while. It took me a while but then I got into early Metallica. I agree much better. But those 9-minute songs!!!
Oh man! Metallica's first four albums have been in HEAVY rotation for me ever since like 1991. I think it took the Black Album coming out before I fully realized how great those records really were. And yes, 8 minute songs! But also: 8 million miles per hour.
For me, it was getting in HUGE trouble for going to a party with people who were black (and also my schoolmates and friends). HUGE trouble as in the guidance counselor at my high school tried to get me thrown out of Governors School for attending it. Response (to your point): "Hold my beer."
Nice! It's helpful for folks who are a bit younger to realize that we are not at all removed from our past. Slavery ended in 1865, but Jim Crow persisted through the mid 70s in a very big way.
South Carolina dragged its feet in integrating public schools. In 1970, the federal government had finally had enough and ordered all high schools to be integrated. My dad was one of 3 white teachers who volunteered to be at a majority-black school, and he's got some really good stories from that time that I will eventually need to share here.
I'm super proud of my dad's anti-racist past, especially considering where he came from.
I don't have a specific "Nevermind" moment that stands out, but I can absolutely relate to much of your story. I've always been both the class clown and the "challenge authority" type of student, while also being a high achiever (I only ever got A's and B's through almost my entire school/high-school/university life). So while I did well in school, my teachers (especially back in Ukraine) would often send me outside of the classroom to stand and think about my behavior, etc.
Good times. Thankfully, I have matured into a well-behaved, responsible adult who'd never stoop to making silly jokes and using swearwords like a fucking chump.
This moment stands out for me for sure, but I also think it was a bunch of little moments like this one (w/the administrator, I mean - not hearing the video for the first time, which was also really something for me).
Pretty much any time I got into trouble for something I didn't do, I got a bit more rebellious. I guess it takes something personal happening, even if it's relatively trivial like this.
For me, it was a Butthole Surfers shirt. I was given some duct tape to cover the word “butt” and allowed to continue my day.
That's great! I bet this was considerably before 1991 for you.
About 4 or 5 years. I was a sophomore in high school. And yes, I know you just called me old. 🤣
I have their instrumental "Mark Says Alright" on my instrumental playlist I listen to when I write. I probably hear that song about once a week.
https://youtu.be/cylUAN3GcRk?si=j-RrCJQinifiSF7C
https://youtu.be/1dVG0Ceetk4?si=XtCu5lndtBvjouMt
Hey!
Pretty ballsy doing *anything* to standout in high school. Also I get why someone got their knickers in a twist about your t-shirt - that baby’s got a huge hog
You got me at the end there! I fear things could get really weird if we stay on this topic, though. I don't want to be a bick dick about this.
It's a line from Detroiters first season I think the dads big bday party
Nowadays, I think about Donatello's David in a similar vein, for what it's worth. That's a very punk rock statue.
I was in the big history museum in NYC with fam once and young son and i got bored while older daughter and JFran decided to leisurely tour the Egyptian wing. So we went through the entire museum taking penis selfies with the statues sending them every single one. There are a lot of statue penises (peni?) in that museum
If I ever get to vote for the Nobel Penis Prize, I'm definitely nominating your entire family.
lol you honor me
Definitely relate to this Andrew. My rebellion started in third grade when I quit catholic school. Seriously.
Fantastic anecdote! How did this go over? Feel free to share a link if you've written down memory lane. That's more or less what I'm trying to do before it all fades away.
I actually wrote a short chapter about it in my never to see the light of day book 🤣
I dunno it if fits w/what you have going on now, but it might be worthy of a share on Substack!
The “authority figure” who started me on my way to being a rebel was the coach in my small school (70 students grade 1-12). I liked to run and was somewhat of a track star, however the joy of running was more important to me than winning, so In practice I would lolly gag along and just enjoy time running and talking with friends. One day during cross country training a friend of mine told me that he thought I should step it up and see just how fast I was. The next day I took his advice and gave it my all. Upon reaching the school after breaking the school record for the run, the coach told me “THERE IS NO WAY YOU RAN IT THAT FAST, WHO GAVE YOU A RIDE? YOU HAD TO OF CHEATED.”This was yelled in front of a bunch of kids who were standing around outside of the school, talking and doing kids stuff.
So I quit the track team, and the basketball team. Which in a town of 200 people where the only sober entertainment is the high school sports teams, losing a 6’3” player is a bit of a blow.
About that same time I was in a larger town and walked into a record store which back in the early 1970s and in the minds of a small ranching community was akin to going to a combination opium den, whore house, and saw the cover of the Big Brother And The Holding Company album “Cheap Thrills.”
Thus began my fascination with growing long hair, (which would get you suspended from school if it touched your ears,) underground comics, music which was not George Jones or Johnny. Cash, (both of whom I actually enjoy) and playing with illegal substances.
At the time pot was $10.00 an ounce, mushrooms not much more, and I had one heck of a good time without being on a team, but running through the mountains and deserts where I lived.
Don, that's a great share. Thanks for being here! I think I had a similar moment of disillusionment with authority figures much earlier too, in elementary school. This might be interesting for you as well:
https://goatfury.substack.com/p/cud-chewing-callout
I can see how these two events are strongly connected now.
I have "Cheap Thrills" queued up to listen next!
Being their last album with Janis Joplin it is definitely worth a listen. It was more the cover art by R. Crumb, that opened my eyes to the idea that I did not have to fit into the little box which society had placed me.
Thanks for having me here.
Great point about the art being such an important component of resistance. R Crumb is about as countercultural as it gets, too!