I’m from the south, so when a conversation is kind of dwindling we will say, welp it’s that time- or, okay good talking to you- sometimes we just stand up and the other person will know we are done with the conversation.
Ha! That mental picture made me chuckle. Up here in Canada, this one seems to have crept into my social realm: "Good to see ya." Emphasis on the "ya" in place of "you." It's versatile too. You can use it as you pass by the bar and have no desire to strike up a new conversation with a familiar face because you're actually headed to meet someone else, or, as a way of ending a chat that has meandered into other platitudes (physically moving on is necessary, though. Blurting it out and simply turning to talk to another would be rude).
Sometimes I just don't know what to say to a person in distress. Compassion can also paralyze in the sense that the fear of 'making it worse' may cause one to just spit out a platitude that shows compassion without straying into territory which might further upset the situation. This occurs most often around loss for me. I often just don't know what to say and don't want to add to others' distress.
Good callout, Evan. Everyone grieves differently, and distress in general can affect someone in a lot of different ways. If you don't know the person's psychology really well, this can be really tough to navigate (it can be tough even if you do know them well!). Glad to hear you weighing in here, my friend.
I think what’s most important to remember about people in pain, especially those experiencing grief, is that sometimes just saying, I don’t want to make anything worse by saying the wrong thing right now and just sitting with them and witnessing it without trying to fix it is the most helpful thing to do. They know you can’t fix it- but when people get so uncomfortable they run from just seeing someone ugly cry, it’s hard not to internalize that and at least for me, I’ve felt like my grief is a burden, something to just shut up and get on with- but it’s so heavy and I can’t carry it alone- I’ll break. So just having people around who sit with me, is really helpful. But I know it’s uncomfortable and not everyone is meant to hold that space for me and that’s okay too. It’s not personal and even though it feels like it sometimes- remembering that can very much help.
You're right, Evan -- those are tough situations. Especially now in the social media age when you can just click <heart> and move on.
My dad died in 1990 when I was 24. A woman I worked with and who I barely knew, said, "Just remember that time heals all wounds." I was an angry alt-rock kid and I rolled my eyes at what felt like some generic Kahlil Gibran Hallmark card bs from a Boomer hippie. Except that...I realized over time she was right. I felt a little bit better each day. And eventually I was able to focus more on happy times than the sad ending.
So now, when a friend has lost someone, I tend to say something like, "I know this might sound trite, but...just remember that time heals all wounds." Perhaps the preface is unnecessary, but it's my way of saying that this isn't just a generic platitude.
No good deed goes unpunished. Good guys finish last. Just two that spring to mind. Although I have to admit, It is what it is, got me through several years of high anxiety and turmoil by learning to let loose of what I cannot control and only trying to control that which I can. I think there’s another hidden one in there, about needing the wisdom to know the difference
There's actually a lot of wisdom in "it is what it is" - stoicism and zen and acceptance are all good perspectives, useful in getting through tough times. That might be a really good angle to pick up in a future piece - things that we say all the time that have retained merit/meaning.
"It is what it is" can be a good way to accept things you can't control, but I had a boss that used it to end a discussion without acknowledging the issue.
I'm as guilty of these as anybody else. The good ones, the ones which don't seem quite as meaningless, are the kind you don't hear as often. "All's well that ends well" is one I rarely hear, but something about the syllables sound nicely to my ear. It's one of my favorites. Maybe if we abolished all the current ones and just issued a new set from scratch, they'd come off better.
Thanks for the thoughtful piece, Andrew. A related concept that still fascinates me so many years after learning it is phatic communion, a linguistic term for exchanges to serve a simple social function. Small talk, in other words. Even in this strange, AI- and social media-driven age, my days still include phatic communion with colleagues and neighbors, mostly about the weather.
I’m from the south, so when a conversation is kind of dwindling we will say, welp it’s that time- or, okay good talking to you- sometimes we just stand up and the other person will know we are done with the conversation.
My grandfather was the master of ending family gatherings like this. He was a hero.
Haha those are the best kinds of hero’s. 😊
Ha! That mental picture made me chuckle. Up here in Canada, this one seems to have crept into my social realm: "Good to see ya." Emphasis on the "ya" in place of "you." It's versatile too. You can use it as you pass by the bar and have no desire to strike up a new conversation with a familiar face because you're actually headed to meet someone else, or, as a way of ending a chat that has meandered into other platitudes (physically moving on is necessary, though. Blurting it out and simply turning to talk to another would be rude).
Oh you betcha!
Sometimes I just don't know what to say to a person in distress. Compassion can also paralyze in the sense that the fear of 'making it worse' may cause one to just spit out a platitude that shows compassion without straying into territory which might further upset the situation. This occurs most often around loss for me. I often just don't know what to say and don't want to add to others' distress.
Good callout, Evan. Everyone grieves differently, and distress in general can affect someone in a lot of different ways. If you don't know the person's psychology really well, this can be really tough to navigate (it can be tough even if you do know them well!). Glad to hear you weighing in here, my friend.
I think what’s most important to remember about people in pain, especially those experiencing grief, is that sometimes just saying, I don’t want to make anything worse by saying the wrong thing right now and just sitting with them and witnessing it without trying to fix it is the most helpful thing to do. They know you can’t fix it- but when people get so uncomfortable they run from just seeing someone ugly cry, it’s hard not to internalize that and at least for me, I’ve felt like my grief is a burden, something to just shut up and get on with- but it’s so heavy and I can’t carry it alone- I’ll break. So just having people around who sit with me, is really helpful. But I know it’s uncomfortable and not everyone is meant to hold that space for me and that’s okay too. It’s not personal and even though it feels like it sometimes- remembering that can very much help.
You're right, Evan -- those are tough situations. Especially now in the social media age when you can just click <heart> and move on.
My dad died in 1990 when I was 24. A woman I worked with and who I barely knew, said, "Just remember that time heals all wounds." I was an angry alt-rock kid and I rolled my eyes at what felt like some generic Kahlil Gibran Hallmark card bs from a Boomer hippie. Except that...I realized over time she was right. I felt a little bit better each day. And eventually I was able to focus more on happy times than the sad ending.
So now, when a friend has lost someone, I tend to say something like, "I know this might sound trite, but...just remember that time heals all wounds." Perhaps the preface is unnecessary, but it's my way of saying that this isn't just a generic platitude.
Dave, I really like the preface.
Yeah it sucks when people spit platitudes at you, but hey, you win some, you lose some. We all die someday. Better late than never, right?
Sometimes it be like that.
Haters gonna hate. It's the thought that counts.
Taters gonna tate, and it's the tots that count!
Fo sho, dawg.
Haha
Hate the game, not the player!
It's about the journey, not the destination.
Haha look at you guys slinging platitudes. Very cute everyone!
No good deed goes unpunished. Good guys finish last. Just two that spring to mind. Although I have to admit, It is what it is, got me through several years of high anxiety and turmoil by learning to let loose of what I cannot control and only trying to control that which I can. I think there’s another hidden one in there, about needing the wisdom to know the difference
There's actually a lot of wisdom in "it is what it is" - stoicism and zen and acceptance are all good perspectives, useful in getting through tough times. That might be a really good angle to pick up in a future piece - things that we say all the time that have retained merit/meaning.
Speaking of "no good deed", I applied that platitude to Nikola Tesla's life here! https://goatfury.substack.com/p/no-good-deed
Thanks for helping me think a little today.
"It is what it is" can be a good way to accept things you can't control, but I had a boss that used it to end a discussion without acknowledging the issue.
So, more like tech bro Stoicism than Zen.
Broicism, IMO.
Ha, thanks for helping me think EVERY day!
The three that I use a lot are:
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
It's not the destination, it's the journey.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
I am guilty of all three.
I'm glad you wrote about this. I believe everything happens for a reason.
Sending thoughts and prayers your way!
No worries. This too shall pass.
I'm as guilty of these as anybody else. The good ones, the ones which don't seem quite as meaningless, are the kind you don't hear as often. "All's well that ends well" is one I rarely hear, but something about the syllables sound nicely to my ear. It's one of my favorites. Maybe if we abolished all the current ones and just issued a new set from scratch, they'd come off better.
Good point: the thing about wisdom is that if you say the same words enough times, it no longer seems wise... it seems stale and hackneyed.
"We will respond at a time and place of our own choosing." This hackneyed phrase keeps re-appearing whenever there is conflict or military engagement.
Everything happens for an unreason.
I love it when a plan doesn't come together!
https://goatfury.substack.com/p/i-love-it-when-a-plan-doesnt-come
Thanks for the thoughtful piece, Andrew. A related concept that still fascinates me so many years after learning it is phatic communion, a linguistic term for exchanges to serve a simple social function. Small talk, in other words. Even in this strange, AI- and social media-driven age, my days still include phatic communion with colleagues and neighbors, mostly about the weather.
Dave, you have inspired me to write about small talk. It's going on the list!
Looking forward to it!
All the platitudes... it’s amazing we have all said these things but what do they really mean? Great story btw!